Wednesday, September 20, 2006

The Grooming Standard

I had lunch today with an 'acquaintend' - halfway between a friend and an acquaintance - and it made me feel horrible. The woman, who we'll call Honey, is one of those people who is so perfectly turned-out you she instantly makes you feel like all your clothes don't quite fit. You are also acutely aware that your hair, which moments ago felt glossy and lustruous, actually has a halo of frizz at the hairline. Oh, and your roots need doing. And your shoes are cheap and, moreover, past their best.

In fact, a whole outfit which moments ago seemed chic and bang on-trend, now seems curiously shapeless and tawdry.

Honey swanned in (she's very swanny) wearing a mustard-coloured sweater dress and trousers. This should not work. Even skinny people have to wear something under sweater dresses - or have ribs at least - and no-one in real life looks as smooth as an olive-skinned statue in one. Except Honey.

She practically smells of money, too. But the most galling part is that she's not really aware of how perfect she is. For her, flawless skin, non-frizzy hair and discreetly expensive clothes are just part of her day-to-day life.

I am blaming lunch with Honey entirely for the fact I left the restaurant and spent £200 on clothes in the half hour afterwards.


Anonymous towns said...

Nah, not possilbe.

9/21/2006 10:40 am  
Anonymous towns said...

Oh for fuck saek.

9/21/2006 10:41 am  
Anonymous random internet guy said...

It's great being a man sometimes. Whenever we meet someone who's better dressed and more groomed than us we just think "What a ponce, I bet he uses moisturer too".

Great writing as always, easily as good as most of the stuff that gets published in the broadsheets.
Keep up the good work!

9/21/2006 10:41 am  
Blogger Brit in Hokkaido said...

Yeah ok so she looks like perfection, but is her blog as good as this?

A Ha!

9/21/2006 1:51 pm  
Blogger Léonie said...

I am willing to bet that she has a painting in her attic of her looking really lumpy in a sweater dress, with the visible bra line and back fat and everything, and that every day the image gets squodgier and she gets more lithe.

Otherwise it isn't fair and I want some kind of compensation.

9/22/2006 1:04 pm  
Blogger Kieran said...

Random internet guy is quite unrandomly correct.

You should try to make her feel insecure about something, that would be the mature thing to do. Just say, 'wow, mustard coloured sweater! You're so brave, that's why I admire you.' That should do it.

9/25/2006 11:57 am  
Anonymous towns said...

What's that from, the picture in the attic thing...? I want to say Shallow Hal, but I think I might be a century or two out.

Mmm, squodgier. Great word.

9/25/2006 2:08 pm  
Blogger Léonie said...

Kieran! Shocking suggestion. We can't hate the woman just because she looks good in a sweater dress! If we must hate her we do it in the private confines of our own self-criticism, not to her face.

The picture thing is Dorian Gray, and I know, the word squodgier is awesome. I assume I got it from Shakespeare or something.

9/25/2006 3:18 pm  
Anonymous Pie said...

I bet she secretly feels the same about other people.

The whole cosmetics industry trying to promote their wares to men just makes me shudder. Does that mean we are going to have to start competing too?

9/25/2006 5:40 pm  
Blogger Sarah Louise Parry said...

Lol, using Honey as an alibi! Classic! I have loads of friends who make me feel like that in their cosmic shadow, though :( That mustard colour is flipping everywhere, too isn't it?!

9/26/2006 12:34 pm  
Anonymous lb said...

It's true, men all over the world usually think "what a ponce, I bet he uses moisturiser too" upon seeing a better-dressed man. Problem is, by the time they've finished thinking it, the better-dressed man's usually nicked their girlfriend or something.

The confidence that comes with money is fairly irritating, though. There's no real way to fake it.

9/27/2006 4:41 pm  
Blogger Shep said...

What...does money smell like, again?

10/01/2006 3:21 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


10/14/2006 2:19 pm  

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