Barclays Bank is, of course, rhyming slang.
(I promise you, this is the last time I will mention this.)
Got a delightful letter from Barclays this morning.
"In our previous letter [no, I didn't get one] we promised to provide you with an answer to your complaint as quickly as possible. [Well, no you didn't, but carry on] I am now able to do so. [Sweet joy incorruptible!]
You advise that you called for a new card and found that a marker had been applied to your address which prevented a new card from being despatched [nice use of the word 'advise', as if I had been stroking my chin and puffing on a hookah while dispensing pearls of wisdom, rather than tearing my hair out at the end of a phone].
May I, at the outset, offer you my sincere apologies for the trouble and inconvenience you have experienced in respect of this matter. [What a shocking sentence, sounds like a cross between Tony Blair at his most sanctimonious and one of those nigerian scam e-mails. Still, if his apologies are 'sincere', what horrible person would spurn them?]
I have tried to contact you to discuss this matter, but I have been unsuccessful in reaching you. [Liar. I left my home phone number and e-mail address. I have an answering machine, you know.]
Your address has now been amended correctly to show as above on all our records. [Yes, and I'll bloody well tell you why - because I went into a branch on Friday and did it!!! How dare you take credit for this? Ahem.]
It carries on for a while in similarly touchy-feely bollocks vein. It is then signed 'Ian Tottey', which is surely a joke name.
You know, I am sorely tempted to take my constant infringement on my overdraft limit somewhere else. Bah.