Tuesday, July 11, 2006

No Texts Please... I've got a new phone

The new mobile is swanky (for me) Nokia N-70. Yeah, it can make videos, and, er, connect to the Internet, and stuff. Or at least it will do when I work out whether I need a new 3G sim card, and get round to buying a charger for it.

Anyway, the demise ofmy previous phone also brings with it the inevitable deletion of all my saved text messages (don't tell me I can just transfer them to my new phone using infrared, or bluetooth, or voodoo - can't you see I'm building up the tension?).

I'm a compulsive hoarder of many things, and so I usually have about 100 saved text messages. I've trawled through for twenty of the best, and presented them here to give you a charming aper├žu into my life. Ooh, this makes me like a real newspaper columnist - I'm shamelessly shoehorning other people's humour in under the pretext of making a valid social point.

(Prizes for guessing what any of them refer to. Clue: one is about newspaper spelling, another about mumps, one is a reference to TV show Scrubs, one is about my housemate's sinuses, and one is about Richard Littlejohn.)


  • "Yeah you get the cock exposure as a hors d'oeuvre to the main course."

  • "Story here with your name written all over it - Andy Roddick attacks manbags."

  • "God almighty was pissed last night. May have pulled blonde. Several times. Damn these women and their grammatical errors, will I ever find true love? May still be drunk."

  • "In hospital again disguising the face iv bin going out for a smoke every day since i got here i just crashed into the nurses station in my wheelchair and took out 3 nurses then burst out laughing."

  • "Excellent. Sex him."

  • "Right, then. Who do I talk to for a yummy taste of devil's cock?"

  • "Baby, if I could do it all over again I'd still do it the same. Why? Because I love the steak. Yes.xx"

  • "My career has peaked: I'm subbing a page three story about Prince Philip farting."

  • "Johann explains today how he hated PE at school, and used to get sent off so he could read in the changing rooms. 'Today I still can't pick up "crime and punishment" without smellings sweaty socks.' i kid you not."

  • "Syrup-coated lard? Treacle coated dripping? The possibilities are endless"

  • "Yes, and I'm sorry but that's really the nail in the coffin for the 'i don't use the toilet paper' argument." Hrumph! x"

  • "'The problem of unplanned pregnancies among the over-40s' - you've got to love Woman's Hour."

  • "In an hour or so the joint I had will have dried out. It's on my bedside table."

  • "They are so annoying! The twots."

  • "I enjoyed it in bed while scoffing cheap chocolate like a latter day Marie Ant. Am shocked to see Howard is now a bit of a fitty. I who spurned TT at 11 as 'sad'."

  • "I was right! My left testis! Noooooooooo!"

  • "Don't wash until I can get to you. He managed to write: 'I like that in a man' the other day."

  • "Oh, and you would like Prague. It has a museum of sex machines and one of torture weapons. Turns out they're not the same thing!"

  • "Just met Robbie Coltrane. The man's got bigger!"

  • "That's quite amusing! Good for you sir. Do you want to join me for a cigar? And then we could pick up some whores. Or something. Suits you!"


    Blogger Kieran said...

    Truly fascinated.

    I might write a book entirely based around these messages. No, there's no chance of me doing that. Still, there's no harm in the idea is there?

    My favourite:
    "Excellent. Sex him."

    So decisive, although personally I think you shouldn't do that kind of thing with Richard Littlejohn. He's a nob.

    7/11/2006 3:51 pm  
    Blogger * (asterisk) said...

    "Cock exposure" must be Robbie Williams. Or someone else.

    Ditto the "sex him" one. Possibly less "Robbie Williams" and more "someone else".

    As a sub myself, I particularly like "My career has peaked: I'm subbing a page three story about Prince Philip farting." I mean, who hasn't been there? Or thereabouts?

    The rest are a bit scary to think about for too long.

    7/11/2006 5:30 pm  
    Blogger lady miss marquise said...

    Fantastic... this made me giggle. I'm not sure what sort of impression anyone would get from me were they to find my mobile and its library of random texts...

    7/11/2006 10:39 pm  
    Blogger Paul B said...

    Texts about Richard Littlejohn? You couldn't make it up. I hope it was the one about the left testis.

    7/12/2006 8:35 am  
    Blogger galatea said...

    All I can think of now is someone's left testis swelling up to resemble Richard Littlejohn, like the Virgin Mary in the grilled cheese sandwich.

    7/12/2006 12:54 pm  
    Blogger a.c.t said...

    I think they're all from the same conversation between you and Richard Littlejohn:

    You: I really don't fancy a starter
    R L: Sure I can't tempt you with Cock exposure as a hors d'oeuvre to the main course?
    You: Nah, I prefer a yummy taste of devil's cock.
    R L: What about desert? Syrup-coated lard? Treacle coated dripping? The possibilities are endless.

    7/12/2006 2:31 pm  
    Anonymous galatea said...

    Me: Just saw Robbie Coltrane. The man's got bigger!
    RL: Excellent. Sex him.

    7/12/2006 7:41 pm  
    Blogger a.c.t said...

    You: I enjoyed it in bed while scoffing cheap chocolate like a latter day Marie Ant.
    RL: My left testis! Noooooooooo

    7/12/2006 10:43 pm  

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