Tuesday, March 28, 2006

things to do in work when it's dead

My job involves a lot of waiting. This presents a problem: obviously I can't whip out War and Peace and start slogging on through that; neither can I bring myself to read every article in the paper; neither can I play Slime Volleyball. So I have begun a search for internet sites which look informative, but are entertaining.

Top of my list is the dreadfully-designed, yet endlessly amusing, Capalert.com. It's run by nutty American Christians, and claims to provide "objective" reviews of Hollywood films. The trouble is, the folks at Capalert disapprove of practically everything that constitutes a film. Take for example, American Psycho, the first film ever to garner a Zero rating. I can see their point about the sex, cannibalism and chainsaw murdering, but I think objecting to 'two abbreviations of "Christmas" without "Christ"' is probably splitting hairs.

I think my favourite bit is probably the terribly earnest script analysis, with reference to the Bible. For example, on the surely-blameless Calendar Girls, the writer fumes, "There are many "religious" paintings of nudity. With the approval of the church. But God did not put them there. Nor did Jesus. Man did." Quite. Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles gets blasted for showing the "nearly naked" bottoms of transvestites and for suggesting homosexuality might be acceptable. Also, there is the matter of the main characters' living arrangements: "Though Paul and Linda are actually married in real life, Mick and Sue are cohabitating [Hebr. 13:4; 1 Cor. 7:1-2] and apparently have been for longer than nine years since they have a nine year old son."

Some other gems:

  • Bulworth: "As stomach-turning as the first seventy minutes were, I had to leave when the producers had several pre-teens and early teens frothing at the mouth with hateful vulgar trash language."
  • Crossroads (with Britney Spears): "Many "lesser" examples of sexual nature appear in the movie such as repeated implied intercourse, dressing to maximize the female form and/or skin exposure, camera angle to force the viewer on [clothed] private parts, teens in revealing underwear, dancing in revealing underwear, open mouth kissing, inappropriate touch, sexual innuendo, talk and comments and more." [The detailed analysis also docks it points for "gamming" - could someone please explain what this is, please? Also, "massive tattoos" are an offence to God, apparently...]
  • Death To Smoochy: scores 26 because of "use of "jiggy" before kid's [sic]" and "asking that a man wear thong underwear by a man".
  • Dude, Where's My Car scores 50 (did they not notice the stoner theme?) but is reprimanded for "adult urinating on a house plant twice," "dog smoking dope" and "crude uses of a variation of the name of the planet Uranus". [Oh dear, I am sniggering just reading that. One way ticket to Hell, please...]
  • Harry Potter And The Prisoner of Azkaban: "broom riding, repeatedly".

    Anyway, if you think that this is just about sniggering at religious fanatics, you'd be wrong. I'm actually making an important point about the ridiculousness of the Government's Religious Hatred Bill.

    Yeah, and sniggering at the word "Uranus", too.

  • 8 Comments:

    Blogger Paul B said...

    That website is brilliant. I'm particularly enjoying their analysis of South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut.

    "The most foul of the foul words was clearly spoken by the children at least 131 times and many other times in a muffled or garbled way as well as in rapid uncountable succession in song."

    Won't somebody pleeeease think of the children? They also take particular offence at "a giant talking female private organ" and "coercion to avoid going to church"...

    3/29/2006 2:43 pm  
    Blogger galatea said...

    It's farking unbelievable. Shakespeare in Love loses points for "sadness due to death of an associate". Surely it would be more offensive if you weren't upset over the death of an associate? Or does God hate misery dicks?

    Sometimes I try to imagine what movie could possibly score 100. And how bad that movie would be.

    3/29/2006 3:24 pm  
    Anonymous Anonymous said...

    "Sin City is yet another film that tends to remind me of the paintings in which a gaggle of demons dance and prance about a boiling cauldron, shrieking with glee as they toss soul after soul into the cauldron of Hell, cauterizing any veins of escape."

    3/29/2006 3:28 pm  
    Anonymous doobyus said...

    I always thought that "gamming" was an old fashioned term for oral sex?

    3/29/2006 3:59 pm  
    Blogger Paul B said...

    There actually is a movie that scores 100 - Who Gets the House. I'm considering renting it just to see how awful it is.

    3/29/2006 5:11 pm  
    Blogger marrow-from-harrow said...

    Hmm, it's rather hard to know how to respond to Evangelical Christianity: to them, I say "Uh."

    3/29/2006 5:31 pm  
    Blogger Tamburlaine said...

    Oh my God. And for that I'd probably get hauled up by these people for taking His name in vain. I just can't even begin to decide what is wrong with that site, and how badly they understand Jesus and his teachings.

    Still, very funny in an I-can't-believe-they-really-think-that way, so thanks for that!

    3/31/2006 6:29 pm  
    Blogger Gentleman-hobbs said...

    I too use my blog to point out stuff. Blogs are probably one of the few areas of free speech left, now that the government have the media in their pocket. Cheers and good luck

    4/02/2006 2:50 pm  

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