Thursday, February 16, 2006

I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me... or, pass the vodka

This Valentine's Day saw a dinner party chez Galatea for all my most
single friends - 17 in all. Quite an impressive number, considering
that I always feel like everyone is coupled-up. Although I am
beginning to be worried that I am, as I have long suspected, some sort
of Typhoid Mary of singledom. At university, I lived with one
relationship long-termer, but mysteriously my other two housemates
remained resolutely single, with only a few near-misses to their name,
all year. Only when I got a boyfriend in the penultimate week of the
year did they both, as if by magic, find girlfriends.

I fear the same has happened this year. Housemate A is settled in for
the duration with her fella, but the other two would themselves
confess they have the roughly the same chance of getting laid as a
eunuch in a nunnery. I wouldn't particularly rate my chances of
getting a boyfriend much higher. I don't know why this is- they're
both personable, intelligent and far from hideous to look at... in
fact, as I looked round the assembled singletons on Tuesday
(intermingled with a few loved-up interlopers, such as Housemate A) I
asked the same question: "Why are these eligible people single?"

Immediately, I realised I had become a budget version of Carrie
Bradshaw, and slapped myself quite hard before I started saying things
like, "had Charlotte finally found her zsa zsa Jew?" (yes, an actual
SATC quote). However, I think I know the answer to the question (the
single one, not the one about the Jew) . It's partly because our
unofficial motto is "don't shit on your own doorstep", as we've pretty
much all had our fingers burnt by starting something within our group
of friends and it going horribly wrong.

Months of recriminations, guilt, and careful party planning to include
only one of the affected parties inevitably ensue. I, for one, am
getting tired of this (particularly the party-planning apartheid) and
if anyone else wants to embark on an ill-advised relationship with one
of their friends, well, frankly, on their own head be it.

The second part of the problem is that we are all enmeshed in a dating
etiquette system so complex and pitfall-ridden that it would have
baffled Jane Austen. For example: you can't just see someone in a bar
you like the look of and go up and talk to them. Ha, we scoff, and
chortle ruefully. If *only* it were that easy! no, no, that kind of
approach is for sex addicts and people from Essex who don't know
better. Oh yes, we're far too metropolitan and cool to ever let
on that we find anyone attractive.

Similarly, should anyone else tentatively venture the opinion that we
are attractive, we also scoff. The fools! Do they not know the biggest
mistake in any budding relationship is to look keen? No one, but no
one, likes a keen-o.

So you see the dilemma. The only possible way that two people who
think like this can get together is by some sort of synchronised
mutual declaration (probably impossible, due to laws of space/time).

Or by getting really wasted and forgetting all the above principles.

15 Comments:

Anonymous lb said...

Speaking as a man, I have to say that going up to people in a bar and talking to them is courting disaster. In any case, you aren't actually supposed to talk to people in any bar worth its salt (or East of Old Street); you just stand around and sneer, I think.

I only fall for completely unsuitable people anyway, such as the partners of friends, or the girl opposite me on the bus.

2/17/2006 11:00 am  
Blogger Bourgeois Wife said...

What? You people will never get laid with that attitude. Try it on with people! What's the worst that can happen? You get blown out? Big fuckin' deal.

2/17/2006 1:00 pm  
Blogger bleakspouse said...

But I find it's always the quiet ones who are sexiest...

You have hit on the nasty irony though: to be attractive you can't speak to anyone but if you don't speak to them you don't get to act on being attractive to them.

Key weapons in the battle against this madness: alcohol, low-cut tops, quarterly bouts of desperation.

2/17/2006 1:46 pm  
Blogger Nkem said...

It is courting disaster, but sometimes, if you find someone attractive, you've got to say summat. As a rule I try not to approach strangers, only deal with people introduced to me by friends. But even that has the inner circle pitfalls.

2/17/2006 1:53 pm  
Blogger galatea said...

I suppose I should listen to your advice, bourgeois wife, seeing as you are actually married and all, but... It's so easy being too cool for school and never talking to anyone, dammit.

I am convinced I will end up being the female Andrew Neil - except, of course, without the arse crack hair transplant rumours....

2/17/2006 3:08 pm  
Anonymous lb said...

That's Andrew Neill, for Private Eye readers.

Easier to talk to people when there's loud music on, as it reduces everyone to the same "HI" "YEAH" "WHAT DID YOU SAY YOU DID AGAIN" conversational plateau. Slightly over-amplified Mylo, the great leveller.

PS. This post was in no way an endorsement of Mylo.

2/17/2006 5:23 pm  
Blogger galatea said...

What's wrong with Mylo?

I love that bit on Drop The Pressure when it goes all squealy....

2/17/2006 6:14 pm  
Anonymous Laura said...

Yes, when mentioning the fact that 17 people made it to your party, Mr.Laura pointed out that that was rather an incredible number considering how much I talk up my friends.

I used the "because no-one is good enough for my perfect pals" -- then realised how lame that was........

2/17/2006 7:11 pm  
Blogger hangthedj said...

As Hugh Grant said in Four Weddings and a Funeral: "Can people just go up to people and tell them that they like them?" to which co-star replies: "If he can he's not Britsh."
ITS TRUE.
Whenever I have been abroad, I feel that men are much more able or willing to come and woo me. Maybe this is because with my red blistered skin and union jack hat, they can spot me a mile off and think I am easy...but maybe its because they are so much less reserved.
Actually I never have any trouble pulling up North, so maybe its just London.
Great party by the way...as one of the afore-mentioned singleton guests, I don't know why we are single either!!

2/18/2006 5:02 pm  
Anonymous doobyus said...

When I was young, free and single I always found that the most successful way to make effective contact with members of the opposite sex was to get your mates to ask them if they fancied you.

If that failed, I used to fall back on the old "I forgot to do up my fly" trick... If the girl I was talking to didn't notice my protruding genitalia then she was obviously a lesbian, if she noticed and mentioned it then she was good "pal" material, if she noticed and kept staring (occasionally moistening her lips with her tongue) then I was obviously in with a shout. This, just as obviously, never actually happened.

Only very occasionally were the police called.

2/21/2006 3:21 pm  
Blogger galatea said...

that is quite possibly the most disturbing thing I have ever heard.

2/21/2006 4:55 pm  
Blogger Butterfly Jones said...

Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I have no problem striking up a conversation with men in bars. Life is too short. But in general men do seem to find it frightening. Which makes it all the more frustrating when I am told that I am 'beautiful and intimidating' oh and that I should smile more. You can't fucking win with these pussies.

2/21/2006 10:05 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

iam a friggin loser too, sory to call u a loser but thats what were talkin about right, i just came on this sight to make my self feel better and saying iam a loser makes me laugh. why not do it more offtin.
here is something i find attractive about losers, maybe because........well i dont want to tell you, but, i put a lot of study into my answer and that is partley why i feel like a loser. because i want to find the perfict mate. ill say it any way, my venus is in cancer and if iam needed i feel love, so i attract losers.hahahahahalollollololollolol(i really did laugh that much) i really needed that).
only if i could start something kool like a web sight, it will prob happen but right now the idea sucks.
this sight attracted me because iam not that social and iam scared iam like unambisious, but that could be the loser side of me. whats with the rat race any way.

8/09/2006 6:37 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

its hard to find people to talk to at a bar or on the bus, like what do u have in common, well like takeing the bus or like being at the bar. hahaha,its all about the oneliner openers. but your right it is mostley scoffers, and there just not my type,even tho we all do it, comeon. were only human. becides with all the brain waves happenin its hard to approach anyone, and the music is too loud.

yeah, if i get blowen out, who cares, thats the way i look at it now.
i can be quiet one min and talketive the next, depends.
too school for school is a funny term, thats how i feel right now.
this life thing blowes my mind!!.
maybe that loud music is good, when dealing with lots of vibes.

8/09/2006 6:55 am  
Anonymous Haych-Em said...

You, Mr (and/or Ms) Anonymous, should definitely start a websight.

www.blogger.com will welcome you with open arms, or whatever digital appendages it employs in lieu of flesh and blood limbs.

8/09/2006 4:17 pm  

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