Wednesday, December 07, 2005

cold baked beans and diagnosis murder.

Three fun facts to kick off the day with (all learnt by me in the course of my work):

  • The bigger a bat's testicles, the smaller its brain.

  • Wayne Rooney and Coleen McLoughlin's first date was in a chip shop.

  • Shadow Chancellor George Osborne's real name is Gideon.

    I feel unable to mount a sustained. coherent argument on anything today, such is my generalised rage. I seem to be able to get angry at anything, anywhere, and to hold forth on the subject for a surprisingly long time. But you don't want to read my sub-Hefferesque bile on Robbie William's libel win, or the fact that, although it seems to escape all newspaper columnists, Christianity is for life, not just for Christmas. You want laughter mixed with ruefulness, twinkling observations and wry sideways glances, don't you?

    Besides which, I'm far too excited about PMQs today, with David 'blank sheet of paper' Cameron taking on Big Tone mano-a-mano at the despatch box. Watching the Channel 4 news last night, I finally realised I'd never really listened to Cameron's voice before - I saw his entire Party Conference speech with the sound turned down. He's got lovely gestures, but until yesterday I couldn't have recognised him speaking.

    It made me realise what a string of judgements I make about people based on how they talk - perhaps there was a point to banning Gerry Adams' voice all those years - one of my most bizarre childhood memories - although I wish they'd also ordered that one of the people who did the dubbed voiceovers for Eurotrash had been employed as his 'voice double'. That would have undermined the credibility of the IRA and no mistake.

    And frankly, Cameron's voice was what I should have expected. Classless in the studied way of the extremely-posh-but-embarrassed-about-it, a little bit higher than I would have imagined - but the overall impression was of blandness, which seemed fitting, given that that's the salient quality of his campaign. "Come on," his supporters cried, "there's almost nothing to hate about him! How dare you take the piss that he went to Eton - class obsessive! Look, his wife's got a tattoo - that's modern for you!"

    There's a great line from Wendy Cope's Triolet, which begins by observing, "I used to think poets were Byronic/ Mad, bad and dangerous to know". After meeting some poets, she observes, "They're mostly wicked as a ginless tonic/ And wild as pension plans". That, to me, is David Cameron. I actually think he might he started the drug rumours to seem a bit more cool and yoof.

    I mean, take that line - "I had a normal university experience" - did you? did you really? You got a first in PPE from Oxford, so you must have worked quite hard, for a start, and your days probably involved less sitting round in your pants, eating cold baked beans and watching daytime TV than the average student's.

    Then there was your membership of the Bullingdon Club, Oxford's infamous dining society. Now, I know some people who were members of similar societies, and let me tell you, they were tossers. Not wild, debauched, elegantly-wasted Byronic tossers, either, but narrow-minded, slow-witted bores. It's my contention that they smash up restaurants because it's so boring talking to each other about shooting weekends and Monaco that the cleverest member of the group snaps, and hurls the first piece of crockery. After that, the aristo herd instinct kicks in.

    But enough of my rampant prejudice; he seems to be doing well at PMQs, and I suppose it's time to give him a chance. (I reserve the right to take this largesse back if he does something awful when naming his shadow Cabinet, e.g. ignores Boris Johnson, or appoints Nicholas Soames Minister For Health.)

    Told you I was full of rage.


    Anonymous kevin_o_malley said...

    Where do you find the time to write this stuff? Keep it up though I'm gripped. In fact I haven't done a hands turn of work since discovering your blog three days ago. Bless you.

    12/07/2005 2:55 pm  
    Blogger galatea said...

    well, if you fall into poverty and have to sell a kidney or something, please don't blame me.

    where do i find the time? well, i have a job which involves sitting at a computer, waiting for news to happen. Sometimes it does not, so i write - there's a limit to how many emails my friends want to receive in a day, so it's just as well i have this blog..

    12/07/2005 4:49 pm  
    Blogger Paul B said...

    DC (his moniker/nickname, according to the BBC's Chief Political Reporter's blog) is indeed rather too bland and wishy-washy for most people's liking, I'd say. And if he was a member of a 'dining society' at Oxford, then what little respect I had for him has vanished. At least groups lke the Assassins' Guild know that they're behaving like twats, whereas the Old Etonian 'rah rah let's smash up a restaurant' crowd actually believe that they are jolly witty and entertaining chaps.

    I'm in a ranty mood too as it happens - I've just wasted the afternoon decorating my office in a festive style. Which is hard to do on your own, with Sellotape as your only adhesive for tinsel.

    12/07/2005 5:09 pm  
    Anonymous random internet guy said...

    The best thing about the Tories choosing Cameron, is that serious sounding political comment, about pensions and Europe and whatever, can be safely suspended for the time being.

    Instead we get to talk about how everyone is swooning over Dishy Dave and his over sized perma-smiley face.I hope he gets crushed as I’m tribally anti-Tory, but it is obvious that Dour Gordon is incapable of getting the nation’s oestrogen flowing like Cameron.

    12/07/2005 6:51 pm  
    Blogger The Grinch said...

    Political discourse for the past 8 years:

    Tories: Tony Blair is all spin and no delivery, he's slippery, he's elusive, he doesn't have any real policies, he doesn't stand for anything

    Labour: Tony grins and wins elections

    Political discourse for the next five years:

    Labour: David Cameron is all spin and no delivery, he's slippery, he's elusive, he doesn't have any real policies, he doesn't stand for anything

    Tories: David Cameron grins and... loses, probably

    12/07/2005 10:13 pm  
    Anonymous kevin_o_malley said...

    Can't believe you commented my blog pet. You are the blogging mammy.

    Feeling hugely flattered and blushing like a new bride.

    Going to sell the comment you left me on ebay. Might retire on it. Double two times god bless you.

    12/08/2005 12:11 am  
    Blogger galatea said...

    never underestimate the oestrogen vote... i think he might win next time.

    hopefully by that time we might have more idea what he stands for, to a greater extent than the current, "only good things, never bad things, more puppies and sunshine and the smell of freshly-mown grass," which seems to be his current manifesto.

    12/08/2005 11:08 am  
    Blogger Paul B said...

    I reckon the puppies and sunshine would be good for the country, as you could illuminate criminals as they escape from jail and then release the puppies to savage them. This would only work, of course, if they were rottweilers rather than poodles.

    And I think you'll find that DC doesn't talk about freshly-mown grass. That was a long time ago in his past, and not relevant to present political issues, etc. etc...

    12/08/2005 12:41 pm  
    Blogger Nkem said...

    so having "big cojones" is not good for a man...

    12/08/2005 2:36 pm  
    Blogger galatea said...

    did i say that? no.

    unless, i suppose, you are trying to attract a female bat.. in which case, yes, larger testicles would be an advantage.

    hey, i'm not judging...

    12/08/2005 3:04 pm  
    Anonymous Anonymous said...

    As on Old Etonian and a member of a dining society at Oxford University, I would no doubt inspire the wrath and hatred of most people in the world. I guess I must by definition be a tosser. And of course have no grasp of reality. Please, o Galatea, is there no hope for me?

    12/09/2005 12:54 pm  
    Blogger galatea said...

    no. you and your coke-raddled, paper-collared, breadroll-throwing ilk will be first against the wall when the revolution comes.

    (unless I am by then Supreme Leader, in which case it may please me to keep some of you posh boys for my personal harem, because you are so damn pretty and well-spoken and i can never remember how to address the husband of a second daughter of a marquis.)

    12/09/2005 3:45 pm  

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