Friday, October 21, 2005

health and safety at work.

I hate Health and Safety officers... I really do. And before you accuse me of being a right-wing, slave-driving, bring-back-child-labour-in-the-mines type, it's not because I don't think that the subject is important. Trust me, if you had my prematurely middle-aged shoulders and a back with a tendency to go off like a pistol crack, you'd be pretty hot on correct posture at the keyboard.

The problem is, health and safety officers don't give a stuff about you. They don't really care - and the fakeness of their solicitude when you first start in the job, showing you the video with the big hair and the shouty eighties graphics about lifting positions, just becomes nauseating when they abandon you to the tender mercies of two-foot high chairs and exposed electric cables mere hours later.

so... i present, in revenge, the Tale of the Health and Safety Woman, thoughtfully anonymised...


(note: this isn't my story, so apologies if it has changed a little in the remembrance...)

Like most organisations, Newspaper X has a Health and Safety woman who comes round to tell employees to sit up properly, and use wrist rests etc, and is generally a well-known figure.

Anyway, at editorial conference a few months back, the editor and staff are discussing this story on swingers, and have video footage
from an orgy taken covertly by one of the trainees. So they pop it on, and the whole staff settle in to watch some woman being taken six ways from Sunday... until trainee A pipes up, "Hang on, isn't that the Health and Safety woman?"

And by god, it is. Cue many jokes about RSI. Unfortunately, giggle over, Trainee B returns to work. As a new employee, she has to be visited by... the Health and Safety woman.

Everyone takes an intensive course in Keyboard Study as the woman explains to a pained B how 'adopting an incorrect position can cause lower back strain'...

To this day, the poor woman has no idea that They All Know About Her.


Those in the know: does this story beat Desmond's banana? That's the big question.

(and yes, i know i said i wasn't posting... but i say a lot of things i don't mean.)


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