Sunday, August 28, 2005

jeremy clarkson: i wish he were my wife.

(think this is disturbing? check out the website it came from.)

the location: a pub. the time: this evening. the contentious remark: "jeremy clarkson is such a cock." the reaction: "WHAT? I LOVE HIM!".

a chance utterance from the grinch caused a storm of outrage in the famous cock pub (ah, what irony). while we could all agree that richard hammond is everything you could want in a man (funny, enthusiastic, and above all, compact) mr clarkson sharply divided opinion.

let me come clean: i am firmly on the pro-clarkson side. i don't know why - i am an ardent feminist (ok, i try to be) and he is a self-confessed chauvinist. i don't drive. i worry about global warming. i would never buy a 4 x 4. if we ever met, he would deride me as a wishy-washy sandal wearing goat herder, and i would call him a twat, because i wouldn't be able to think of anything funny to say.

i think the reasons for my love are two-fold. one, there is the pretty widely held female view that the bigger bastards men are in their professional lives, the more they are pussy-whipped at home. it's pretty unfashionable to believe that very 'together' men need someone to hold their hand when they load the dishwasher, and certainly not founded in any demonstrable fact, but i believe it.

as does jeremy. i refer you to his magnum opus, 'the world according to clarkson', where he argues that courts should always award residency in custody cases to mothers. 'to fathers, children are fun, to mothers, they're a responsibility' is the gist. so there.

two, there is the sad but undeniable fact that women love a bastard. god damn, it's irritating, but it's so easy to be taken in by the 'only you can see my soft centre' schtick. you feel so special, you may even (NO! the horror!) think you can change him.

anyway, i'm sensing that drunkenness is impairing my ability to make a coherent case for the clarkson defence, so adieu until tomorrow.


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