Wednesday, May 11, 2005

anger management

i am in a bad mood, but that's another story. yesterday i was in a very good mood: i saw two pigeons fly into each other (hilarious), chortled to myself as i do every day when the tube announcer says, "a good service is operating on the northern line" (ho ho, i think, i'll believe that when i see it) and found out that my blood pressure is no longer a stroke-tastic 150/105, but instead a calm, soothing, longer life expectancy-supporting 120/80.

I can't really account for the drop in blood pressure, but I'm choosing not to question it - although it is now very tempting to take up smoking as i can get away with it. the other joy of yesterday was my visit to the chiropractor. as a public service i can tell you that it's well worth it, not at all scary, and eminently affordable. my fears that the visit would consist of naked starjumps interspersed with someone running up and down on my back were ill-founded.

i had planned to write up an amusing/illustrative episode from my past, but unfortunately i was up until 3 o clock last night playing Dead or Alive: Extreme (sorry, Xtreme) Beach Volleyball. The targets in all computer games are reasonably arbitary- collecting stars, cars or weapons; saving the kind of drippy princess who would allow herself to be kidnapped by a toad; perhaps even getting laid. But DOA:XBV (oh come on, I can't be arsed to write it out again) is a particularly fine example. Here, the objective is to collect increasingly eye-wateringly small bikinis.

Of course, it's not really about what the prize is, it's the fact that you just can't quite manage it as that tiny japanese 13 year old hammers the ball past you for the umpteenth time. I therefore spent nearly five hours of precious revision time trying to buy a bikini which looked like two twenty pence pieces and a handful of beads. It would actually have been quicker to go out into London and buy something approximating this in a shop - and I would no doubt have made new friends, found fame and fortune, and all the other good things that are meant to happen when you follow your dreams.

and here is the bikini i eventually won, modelled by an actual woman. i don't know who went to the trouble of making it, but all i say is: god bless the internet.

you might think that as a feminist, i would be appalled by the objectification and ubiquity of the "male gaze" in the game. however, i have decided to put this aside because the emphasis of the game is on sisterhood, with Zack's Island becoming a female space, a feminatopia if you will. It is a place where women, who just happen to be really busty, and who just happen to be wearing very little clothing because it's very hot, can get together, give each other gifts, and play some sport without being subject to the prison of heterosexist existence.

And gosh darn those swimsuits are pretty, aren't they?


Blogger Artegall said...

You might think as a heterosexual male that I'd see the game's shameless objectification of the female form as a complete god-send to any right-thinking, masturbating 15-year-old who's too afraid to purchase real porn. Or 23-year-old. And you'd be right.

5/12/2005 2:29 am  

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